During the day...I'm fine. I'm happy enjoying time with my new friends. They bring out the weirdness I used to have when I was a kid. I love joking around, and creating inside jokes. But then reality sets in when the clock strikes 3pm. I know at this time..I'll be waving goodbye to a close friend of mine, and taking that lonely ride back to Dorine street. There I'll walk that short narrow distance leading me to "home". The house itself doesn't bother me much, nor does the mess. The mess is nothing compared to what I used to clean up after.

It starts with a glimpse. A small fraction of something I miss dearly. I know I'm not with her. But I can't help but think about her constantly. My mind is constantly alerting me to when she'll come home. And I get so devistated if it takes too long. I get lazy wanting her, and I shun myself from everything else just to be with her. Now that we have seperated I feel that I need her more. Even when we argue, I can't imagine leaving her side for a second. I don't have anyone else...nor did I ever have...I just wanted someone to love, and put up with me. But at the same time I wanted to be controlling, which led me down this path of a broken heart, that I broke. Life is confusing to me. I didnt understand what I did was wrong, but as I thought more into it, I realized that you truely don't know what you have until its gone.

I sit across from her...And I feel absolutely nothing. I know that spark we shared between eachother is gone. I feel nothing but friendly affection for her, yet I want to feel more. I want to prove to myself that she needs me. But I realize that she can do without. It hurts...I love her so much. But I'm too proud to announce my faults, drop down to my knees, and beg for forgiveness. She continues to mock me with her satisfaction of our situation, as though she could care less that we are apart now. Or maybe, she is beyond my emotions. Beyond my beliefe that she too caused my pain. When I see her smile and laugh...I know that is no longer me making her laugh and smile.  

I hate even more now. Who couldve known today would be the day I'd break into a million pieces. I cried my eyes out so hard they nearly popped out of my head. I feel like shit. Blah blah "Its always about you"...Yeap. That tiny little sentence fucked itself inside my head, and nearly wiped out my trains of thought. I was nearly destroyed by that comment. It hurt so bad my heart burst. Everything that I ever thought was beautiful in this world rotted away. I fucking hate everything. I literally curled up in a ball and screamed inside my head. My eyes suffer greater punishment right now. I feel sick, and above all, tired. Dieing would only make things worse, and living would increase the tourment.

                    Here I go...yet again feeling sorry for myself. I star fights, because I cant end the one thats inside my head. I need a reason to be mad so I pry it out of the mouths of other people. Tell me something you hate about me! Give me a reason to hate myself. So I have a reason to feel sorry, and depressed. Sometimes I feel like I deserve solitary. I deserve no friends and loneliness all the time. Its Gods little way of saying "I gave you too many chances to improve. You can never get close to anyone without breaking them, or pushing them away. So go! Go to your fucking room, stay by yourself. I'm tired of helping you." Every situation where someone has walked away...from an argument, to a simple debate. I feel like that person has given up on me, or just cant stand to deal with me anymore. I've herd it to many times before. My grandmother has told me that, I'm always angry, and that no one wants to be associated with me. My mom has told me, my dad, my brother, everyone. I just cant keep my mouth shut, and I'm too emotional. I just dont see any point in living if I can't even make my own girlfriend happy with me. I feel like a fuckup. Yes I have had too many chances to improve. And what do I do? I make it seem like its not good enough, or I just take advantage of it. I have gotten more social, and I have made more friends, and I was given the oppurtunity to get back in school. And yet I continue to be bossy, anti social, mean, rude, unsatisfied, and depressed. Nothing is never good enough for me. I feel like a complete waste of time. When the hell will I finally figure myself out? I cant even stay in my relationship without worry about what I argue about next.

                   I'm a dreamer and a nightmare. I can't seem to wake up, and join everyone else in reality.  Or I'm too stuborn to admit, that I'm not the only one with problems, and I just need to get my shit together and move on. I cant seem to face the fact that I just cant forgive and forget. I feel like I'm constantly just battling myself. Everday I find something new I hate about myself, or something that always bothers me and I take it out on someone I care about. I really believe that I'm just crying out for help. Yesterday I bawled..hardcore. I couldnt take that the person sleeping next to me, mightve been tired of my shit. I can come to terms with the realty that she might give up on me too. I feel as though she might be tired of my crap. I dont even think she knows how fucked up I feel inside. I know I'm sick, and discusting. I even think I should be put in a crazy house.

                   (sigh) If your girlfriend has to tell you how much of a jerk your acting every day...thats it for you. And if she has to be the one to break it off...You fucked up. Game over. You should never be allowed to be apart of her world ever again. I shouldnt be here. I shouldnt be with Brittany either. I hardly ever tell her I love her anymore. I just cant bring myself to say it. Something must be deeply wrong with me if I cant tell my gf how much I appreciate her. Maybe Its myself I dont appreciate. Maybe I'm the one who needs to be yelled at and misstreated. I see no other way In getting better.

Why do I cause you so much pain?
And at the end of the day
And at the end of the day your still mine
All mine

WHy is it, that you take so much from me
But I give so little to you
And at the end of the day youre still mine
All mine

How is it that you can allow yourself to burn
But still keep me safe from harm
And at the end of the day youre still mine
All mine

How can you take these cuts, these bruises
Keeping your composure, as you continue to love me
And at the end of the day your stille mine
All mine

Where do you find this loyalty, this utmost respect
While I belittle you, beating your heart
And at the end of the day your still mine
All mine

WHat is it that makes you so confident
That you can still believe theres good in me
And at the end of the day your still mine
All mine

Why is it, that I allowed myself to let you go
As I'm swolled by darkness, but your free now
And at the end of the day, I can say you were mine
Once...
All mine

Say the words to me... why dont you? Because you cant? well i never said you couldnt.


Interupt? As do u. Not saying its right... never did... it hurts reading these journals... i dont know why i do, i guess to see how u truely feel.

          It gets worse everyday. We dont look at each other with the same spark as we used to. Now that we're together, it was better off when we were apart. We find ways to annoy or anger each other, and we push out teachings and beliefes. Everything said between us, is known just by looking into our face. Will our love result in hate? Or will we continue to pretend we're happy?

          I am happy? Or atleast I think I am. After a short arguement I just feel the need to grab something solid and smash it into my head. But I often find that your words are just as solid as a brick. "Get over it!" You'll tell me. "Consider how others feel!" You'll demand from me. And with all thats being said...Do you still love me?

          Sometimes I believe that you find more things u hate about me, then the things you like about me. I know I'm not perfect. I'm  always arguing the wrong. I always guilt trip you. I'm too clingy, and I get angry quickly. But I ask you...Why do you continue to hurt yourself, by staying with me? You know how I am now...and I can tell you detest it. "This is not the person I love, is it?" You aks yourself. Not any more...I guess.

          Continue to tell me all the things that bother you...But once you turn your back from me, Keep walking...Theres no point in looking or turning back.

that made me sad. Hm

Nothing I do is right. And everything I do wrong is the outercovering of my sensetivity.
Tonight I want to grab the clay pick from the dresser and jam it into my arm. I'm tired of cutting myself and seeing no blood poor from my veins. As if someone had drained the blood from me, to show how unhuman or unatural I must be. I know I dont fit in, even if I was smashed between two platforms. Nothing I do is right, and I always find myself depressed and alone. Even now I wish I was home, atleast there I could cry without being herd. But here, no one will aid me. I could bring myself to cry as silent as I could, no response, nothing. I must be as transparent here as I was back home. Oh, but no matter what I say, it will be contridicted and misunderstood. I am safe not even in my thoughts. My whole mind, creates a magical world where sharp objects are just begging to be touched, but here on earth, I pray for death. No more miserable parents, no more worried grandparents, no more excuses for people not wanting to be around me. Yes, im a greedy arogant child. Call me what you will. Don't bother talking to me if you feel so. Run away from sight, and never transpass even within my shadow.

I'm alone right now, even thought someone lies besides me. Never have I felt this cold, this deathly ill. I can almost hear the rain wanting to drip inside my head as the train of torment quakes through my mind. I can even cry, though i want so much to do so. No one comes to my aid. No one even cares if I grab my neck and squeeze the life out of me. Damn, if only I could bring the courag to grab that clay pick and jam it into my neck. I'm so angered, DOES NO ONE CARE? Maybe im being to dramatic, too fucking childish.


All I wanted was your company.

Now I resort to pain.

So u know how i feel? Like SHIT...

n u no what? Who cares? Do u? no u dont. I guarentee no one will be interested in reading this ... lalal FUCK ....

u know what is irritating? i feel like shyt n all... n im sick ... and.... all my nice deeds go unnoticed. But u know what doesnt go unnoticed? When i DONT do something for someone else... People seem to like to remind me of all the things they do for me but not what i do for them. is that not unnapreatiative or what? really? what do u think? N its funny "im always going to be wrong" BULL SHIT... thats a line if i ever heard it. whatever man... the fact is... my opinion doesnt matter to anyone but me. And no matter how much i listen and try to cooperate and try to negotiate a simple resolution that works and benefits all.... IM WRONG. Then the other person takes another step back so i have to reach further. No matter how hard i try, it just isnt hard enough. well...



FUCK!

Andrea: You're hot
Me: You make me hotter
Andrea: wanna do it?
Me: what do i get outta it?
Andrea: Big Ben
Me: who is that to me?
Andrea: Someone not to be triffled with
Me: I see...